Damn you, Cadbury

Being lactose intolerant, I can only eat small amounts of milk chocolate without getting sick. Depending on the chocolate itself, I can usually go for a while before my tolerance level is reached. Dark chocolate I can eat till the cows come home, as long as it’s good European dark chocolate, and not that wussy American crap they put milk in to appease our wussy American taste buds.

I’m pretty good at avoiding all chocolate, though, because being sick is not my favorite thing in the world, and there are other things I can indulge myself with that don’t contain chocolate at all.

With one exception.

Easter Candy.

This is the one time of year when my will power fails me. When I can’t pass by the bags of Cadbury Chocolate Mini Eggs, Cadbury Cream Eggs, Cadbury Caramel Eggs. When I can’t simply look the other way as I walk by the Whopper’s Malted Milk Eggs or the Brach’s Dark Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Crème Eggs. When the allure of prettily-colored Easter M&M’s call to me and I become weak in the knees. When a simple bag of Licorice Jelly Belly’s isn’t enough to sustain me.

For 11 months out of the year, I can avoid seasonal candies. I can walk right by the chocolate section — even look it over — and walk away with nothing in my shopping cart.

Come Easter, and my iron will turns to mush.

Have you ever noticed how a Cadbury Mini Egg smells?  There’s something about them – it’s as if the creators of Cadbury Chocolates were tea lovers, and understood the importance of smell to taste. Even before you put that extremely creamy and otherworldly-smooth piece of chocolate into your mouth, you can smell the distinctive light delicacy that calls to mind softness and a bright Spring day.

It’s Endorphins in food form.  Legalized valium. Chocolate Nirvana.

Which means hitting the jayne (my gym) on weekends as well as weekdays – salads for dinner more often than not – and a promise that as soon as Easter’s over, everything will be fine.

In the meantime, pass me that Cream Egg, and damn you Cadbury chocolate.

She’s got a ticket to ride

The roller coaster of unemployment is still pluggin’ along. After applying for a few jobs my sister was perfectly suited for – and getting NOTHING in response, I was starting to get seriously angry.

There’s one job for the city, the office is only a mile from our house, that she applied for. There was a lengthy application form to fill out, but we sat down on a weekend and very carefully went over it. She’d taken some free classes at the unemployment office to learn  tips and tricks to writing resumes, cover letters, filling out forms, stuff like that. They taught her about using particular words and how to make sure your resume is custom written for each job description you’re applying for.

Seems like no-brainer stuff, but she learned a lot of little hints that were pretty helpful.

So after spending a weekend working on this application, even going so far as to meet with a former co-worker for lunch who happens to be in the human resources profession who gave us some good advice, she applied for the job.

It closed on February 11th, and naturally we tried to be patient, but all last week we both expected her to get a call for an interview.  She was perfectly qualified for this position, right up her alley, as they say. The office is a mile from our house, so of course we were going over that in our heads – how nice that would be in the summer, she could walk there, there’s a Starbucks between here and there. Winter commuting would be no problem, we figured she could walk and I could take the SUV.

You try not to, but you can’t help it. As soon as you apply for a job, you start to work things out in your head. The commute, the area, what it will be like, the Ins the Outs, the Pros and Cons.

We thought it might have been providence that we even found out about it. They didn’t advertise anywhere except on their own web page (which can be a good thing, or a bad thing). A coworker of mine happened upon the listing out of the blue, and printed it out for me. Minimal listing can be a good thing in that, it means less competition. The fewer people who find out about the opening, the fewer who apply.  Also, it can mean they’re legally required to “open” the job, but they already have someone in mind to fill it.

There’s a chance they’re just not exactly in a rush to fill it, and will take their own sweet time.

But while we wait, and wonder . . . and start to lose hope . . .  Monday evening our other sister calls – – seems a woman she knows had just emailed her and a handful of other friends and contacts about an opening. This woman owns and operates a business and has need of someone to do Billing and manage the office – something my sister used to do and enjoyed. So we sat down immediately that night and poured over her resume, custom wrote a cover letter, then an introductory email wherein we used our sister’s name as reference (since this job wasn’t be advertised publicly, only through friends and contacts) and sent the email Monday evening.

Then we waited.

Tuesday morning, I had the day off so we were sitting around having our morning coffee, preparing for a day of house cleaning and chores, when she got a phone call. It was her – – the woman we’d emailed – – so her and my sister chatted a long while on the phone (I retired to the kitchen so as not to be “in the way”), about her qualifications and the position.  She promised to phone her back and schedule an interview for later this week.

Elated at even this slight glimmer of hope, I took my sister out to lunch, and we ended up doing a bit of shopping on a sunny afternoon.

By the time we got home and started in on our chores, the phone rang again, and before we knew it, my sister had an “informal interview” scheduled for 9:00 this morning.

That meeting went well . . . Very well, in fact, but we’re still strapped in on the ride.  She’ll get a call later (either by Friday or some time next week if the office gets busy) to come in for a more formal, all day interview, where she’ll be asked to spend the entire day going through what would be a regular day with the staff, to see if everyone’s personalities get along.

That’s become more and more typical of interviews, it seems.  Going in for hours to sit with everyone, make sure personalities mesh.  Shouldn’t be a problem, my sister can get along with anyone. She’s very pleasant to be around, and picks up on new jobs really quickly.

So we have hope, at least.

And I’m hoping Fate already emptied his bladder on someone else’s shoe.

Never assume

I had the most ridiculous conversation with someone today, and it’s prompted me to mention, in case anyone’s under a false assumption . . .

I don’t read your Facebook.

Regardless of who you are, I don’t read your Facebook.  There are a few blogs I look at, semi-regularly, and during the week I check my email every evening. But I don’t read your Facebook. (it’s not personal, I don’t read anyone’s)

So if you’ve had a baby recently, gotten a new job, experienced some fantastic news, won the Lotto, lost a limb to a shark attack, grown a third eyeball, bought a new car or sold your house – if you’re writing your memoirs, sold a script, taken to shoving pencils up your left nostril out of frustration – if your family has disowned you or you’ve sold your eldest child to gypsies, if you’ve dropped your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other, you’re considering a career change, bought some new gym equipment, got something waxed, married your parrot.

If you’ve stopped communicating with me because you’re busy posting all of your pertinent information on Facebook – if you start conversations based on the assumption that I’ve been checking your updates every five minutes – if you fail to let me know of some important event because you’d already updated your status – if you’re flying under the assumption that Everyone who’s Anyone already knows Every Little Ever-Lovin’ detail of your day-to-day existence because Everyone who’s Anyone reads your updates and would already know Everything there is to know about YOU, just keep in mind . . . Regardless of who you are . . . if there is something happening in your life that you’d like me to know, you’re gonna have to tell me because . . .

I don’t read your fucking Facebook.

The Big Game

It’s that time again – Time for the Big Game !  The Game to end all Games !

That’s right, I’m talking Puppy Bowl VII.

The perfect paws between the Eukanuba Nationals and the upcoming Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show this Valentine’s day, Feb 14th & 15th.

And don’t imagine you can go to the kitchen after the second quarter, or you’ll miss the Kitten Halftime Show.

I dunno about you, but since the Seattle Seahawks aren’t in the other big game on Sunday, you’ll find me watching Puppy Bowl VII.

I’m ready for Spring, dammit

Happens every year, ‘round this time. Usually in February, so maybe I’m a little early this time.

The holidays are over, we only have one more coming up, in February, President’s Day, which is no big thrill but it’s a three-day weekend. So there’s nothing really to look forward to now except for Spring, and sadly, that’s a ways off still.

So it’s pointless. It’ll be another few months in coming, but still I’ll spend the time wandering around saying “I’m ready for Spring, dammit.”  Which won’t bring it along any quicker.  It’ll drive everyone around me nuts, though. I guess there’s that to look forward to.

We had snow, a whole whopping 4 inches, 10 in some places. It lasted an entire 12 hours!

Seriously. It was awesome.  Didn’t start falling from the sky until after dark, then when I got up to go to work, there were 4” on the ground, 6” in some spots, and it was raining.  The Beetle never would have made it off the hill, so I drove the Beast, and damn that was fun, I gotta say.  It was my first time driving a 4-wheel drive SUV through piles of snow, and I was grinnin’ like an idiot the entire way to work.

I tell ya, that SUV paid for itself in that one morning commute.  I’ll never stress out about snow driving again. No more sitting up nights, worried that I can’t get the car out of the alley. I won’t nearly wet myself slipping and sliding that Beetle down the snow route to the bay, being driven by other people’s tracks and turning the car into a snow plow whenever more than 3 inches fell.  You wouldn’t believe how low-riding those Beetles are.  You don’t notice it until snow falls, and you’re pushing through it instead of driving over it like everyone else.

Anyway, that was fun, for those 12 hours.  By the time I got off work that day, it was all gone. Turned to rain that became floods and mudslides everywhere, but that never affects my neighborhood. I live on the top of a hill, overlooking the bay, not one of those steep banks that slide INTO the bay.

So now that’s all we have to look forward to till July 5th. Rain, the occasional sun break, and more rain.  Which I love, don’t get me wrong. I was born here, and I love the rain and grey skies that match the grey water.  It’s all worthwhile when those sun breaks come along, trust me.

The only bit I get bored with is the ugly. Stuff that changes colors in the fall is now brown and soggy. There’s mud everywhere. Everything’s soggy.  It makes you yearn for Spring flowers, and the anticipation of a new season.

I love the seasons, and thankfully we get all four here. The transitions are the best, when Spring is just coming, or Summer is just getting started, and when Autumn becomes Fall, then Winter is creeping up.

You watch, though. Summer will get here when it gets here, and halfway into it, I’ll be whining about the heat, and begging for Fall.

But right now, I’m ready for Spring, dammit.

Have no place, I can be, since I found Serenity

Sorry, it’s just that the ION network on Direct TV is airing Firefly every night this week, and I watched several eps last night. It gave me a Happy.

So does the New Year.

I’ve already decided, based on a complete lack of evidence to the contrary, that this year is gonna be a good one, dammit.  I’m tired of the piles of crap the past few years have turned into, and declare that 2011 is gonna be fan-fuckin’tasic.

My mood is up, my stats are amazing, I’ve made some changes that I’ll refrain from calling New Year’s Resolutions, they’re really just changes that started in December and are gonna keep going. So far they’ve filled me with a sense of anticipation for a good, healthy year with more to come. (been hittin’ the gym 4 nights a week, eating better, etc)

You may have noticed I changed the look a tad bit, both here on the blog and over on the web page. I just felt it was time for a more “professional” or maybe “adult” look on the web, and something pretty on the blog. I think it’s still snowing, that’s an automatic thing that ends some time in January. Kinda cool, though.  Did you notice it follows your mouse?

One thing I haven’t talked much about lately that you may notice on the webpage – each of my titles now has their own ISBN.

I should probably discuss that, for those who were following along earlier last year.

Over at Smashwords (God love’em) you can get an ISBN for every title you have up there, and they have choices you can pick from. You just have to remember the ISBN you put on your Smashwords eBook cannot be placed on your printed book, if you do printed books too, like I do.  But I’ve found them unnecessary for the prints.

What Smashwords is offering now are three choices:

You come to them with an ISBN already purchased, specifically designed for your eBook, and you assign it.  You’ll have to do all the registering stuff with Bowkers and whatnot, and you can only assign the ISBN to one version of the eBook per Bowker and the International ISBN Agency rules.  So if you’ve assigned that ISBN to the pdf version of your eBook, you can’t use it for the EPUB version.  (stupid rule, ain’t it? I mean, seriously, ass-crunchingly stupid rule)

The second option is a Free ISBN, paid for by Smashwords as a service to you, the author, that will list Smashwords as the Publisher, and you as the Author.  Remember, owning the ISBN does not automatically award you copyright or ownership – – then again why in the hell would you buy an ISBN if you weren’t the writer, eh?  So listing Smashwords as your Publisher of Record is either a big deal with you, or it ain’t. It doesn’t change your legal ownership of the work one iota.  Remember this is going on the EPUB version of your book only, and I’ll explain that further down.

I should mention that you can only add an ISBN to a Smashwords book if it has been accepted into their premium catalog – – but all of your titles should be there anyway. All you had to do was follow the instructions and format everything correctly. You’ll know if you did it right or not.

The third option – the one I chose for 7 of my 8 titles there – is the Premium ISBN.

For $9.95, Smashwords will sell you an ISBN that lists you as the Publisher, instead of them.  (caveat: Some of the retailers don’t give a shit about details, they’ll still list Smashwords as your Publisher, because they don’t even look at the Bowker data).  But legally, and technically, you’ll be listed in Bowkers and Books in Print as the Publisher of Record. (Smashwords will take care of the listings, you don’t have to lift a mouse) Your name, your publisher name if it’s different (aka: Midnight Reading) and your contact information will all be legally registered in all the right places, attached to that ISBN.

Again, the ISBN is only for your EPUB version, because of the laws regarding these things, and because the majority of the retailers (Apple, B&N, Sony etc) prefer the EPUB. They can make Kindle or NookBook’s out of those, and they’re more universally read by various devices.

Now, the reason I went with the Premium ISBN is all ego.  Yes, I wanted Midnight Reading to be listed as the official Publisher of Record in Bowkers.  Why?  Like I said, pure ego.  Sony, Barnes & Noble, and other retailers don’t look at the Bowkers data, so they’re going to declare your book was published by Smashwords anyway, so it’s somewhat moot, but try telling that to my ego.

Go ahead, try.  My id has failed so far.

I had to pick the Free ISBN for The Legend of Darkness and Light, because that book is free – and at this time, the only option for a Smashwords ISBN on a free book is the Free ISBN, listing Smashwords as your publisher.  That will change, perhaps this year, and you’ll be able to buy a $9.95 version for a free book, but for now the only option is the freebie, and I didn’t mind.

Speaking of $9.95 –  Smashwords doesn’t make you pay up front.  If your balance (sales) are less than that, perhaps you’ve just now listed the book and haven’t sold any yet, or you might have just received your quarterlies and Smashwords has reset your balance to zero (since they, like, just paid you, duh) no worries.  Smashwords lets you owe them.  Just assign the ISBN, and your balance will show negative until you’ve sold $9.95 worth of your book. Easy, peasy.

(nigglers like me will note how that means you’ve LITERALLY paid not one cent to publish and sell your writing, by the way)

Literally.

Not one red (well, sort of copperish colored, really) cent out of pocket.

Okay, so why can you only put an ISBN on one version of your eBook?  That’s not a Smashwords rule.  Remember that nagging Bowker’s I mentioned? And the International ISBN Agency?

Blame them.

Farkin’ jerks made that a rule, regulating ISBN’s, and forcing eBook authors to purchase a completely separate number for each version of their book.  They claim it’s for keeping things straight, but no one’s fooled.  It’s a money-making scam.

Seriously, if we can all be honest here for a second, ISBN’s are ridiculous, unnecessary, and really just serve to confuse writers and employ people.  Sure, you’ll be listed with Bowkers and Books in Print, but as far as Joe Public is concerned, well, ask yourself how often you’ve searched for a book to read by typing in the ISBN number at the Barnes & Noble site.

Go ahead, ask yourself.

Just keep in mind – an ISBN is not a necessary thing.  It can be a helpful thing, yes.  It’s definitely an ego thing, for sure.  And Smashwords made it such an easy, affordable thing, I couldn’t resist.

Next week I wanna chat a bit about some of the best parts about being Indy – like readers, figures, longevity and retailers.

In the meantime, I hope everyone is feeling positive and energetic about the New Year. I’m already thinking of Spring, bright colors and flowers. It’s been a mild winter thus far, rains when it’s cloudy, clears up when the temperature dips into the 20’s.  Seriously, there’s nothing more energizing than a crisp, cold, utterly clear blue sky day.

But I predicted this, didn’t I?  Buying that SUV for “winter driving” virtually insured there’s be no winter in the Great Northwet to drive in.

You’re welcome.

Twenty Elebenty!

Happy NewYear, y’all.

So, new year, new web design.  Go have a looksie – www.MidnightReading.com

 

Joy to the World

If you know me, you know I’m Lactose Intolerant.

I’m SO lactose intolerant, I’ve been known to swear at cows. It’s has been an issue with me since I was 20, and without letting on how old I am, let’s just say I’ve learned to live with for some time now.

People like me can eat anything Vegan, thankfully that’s pretty popular around the Pacific Northwest. Also anything Kosher listed as Parve. There’s a great market in Poulsbo that has nice Vegan and Kosher sections.

Over the years, the soy world has made great strides, and you can get amazing soy products beyond just soy milk that taste (to me) just like the real thing. Granted, I haven’t tasted the real thing in so long, I’m probably not the best judge of that.

But I’m talkin’ really good soy milk, soy ice cream, soy cream cheese, soy sour cream, soy cheese. There’s even a German product that’s soy whipped cream, in the fancy dispenser squirty can just like the real thing. They even make a really good soy yogurt that — while no more than about five flavors — at least taste really good.  Sure, you have to stir them up to make sure there aren’t any tofu clumps that might turn you off, but that’s fine. Tofu has no taste, you understand, so if there are clumps it’s just your own mental state that might take issue. Since I have serious texture issues with things like Tapioca or Rice Pudding, I stir the yogurt.

For the most part, I don’t miss all the old dairy stuff.  Milk, ice cream, milk-chocolate, cheese . . . Okay, the cheese is an issue when eating out, but you just deal with it and find other menu items to enjoy.  (And can I just add – seriously, people, you don’t need a pizza with extra cheese, with more cheese stuffed in the crust. You may never poop again) But I can order a take-and-bake pizza (Papa Murphy, I adore you) sans cheese, bring it home and add soy cheese, and enjoy a great pizza.  The teenagers behind the counter have even stopped gaping at me when I order a large Canadian bacon and tomato, no cheese.

“Whaddaya mean, no cheese?”

“I mean please don’t put cheese on the pizza, thank you.”

“But I don’t . . .I mean, it’s pizza.”

And I can use soy ingredients to make my own version of Ranch salad dressing, my favorite. Soy milk can be substituted for regular milk straight across in any recipe, and there’s even a to-die-for soy pudding now.

The one thing I’ve been really frustrated with are those Yoplait Light Yogurt commercials, where the woman is telling her friend all the wonderful things she’s eating and still losing weight. Yogurts that taste like Lemon Meringue Pie, Boston Cream Pie, Red Velvet Cake, Raspberry Cheesecake.

Soy yogurts don’t come in those flavors.

Well during my internet travels, I’ve come upon several cow-swearing sites that claim we can eat regular yogurt, so long as it contains Active Live Cultures – because those little buggers are digesting the lactose for you. Plus, like cheese, during the creation of the yogurt, the lactase enzyme is removed, only unlike cheese, they don’t put it back in.

Unwilling to risk it, I got my sister to try a regular yogurt, she’s intolerant too but she has a higher threshold than I do.

And she really misses yogurt !

So she did.  She ate one, and we waited.

And waited a bit more.

The next day, she ate another, and we waited.

We did this for a week, she’d have a regular yogurt once a day, and low and behold she didn’t get sick!

So I decided to give it a shot, and while it still surprises me, I didn’t get sick.

Now we’re buying those Yoplait Light flavors every week, having one a day (occasionally a second one as an evening snack, since hell, they’re only 100 calories) and neither of us has gotten sick.

And damn, these things are great!  They seriously do taste exactly how they claim, which is probably all due to chemistry and science, but who the hell cares, they’re Yummy!

Now if only I could figure out a really tasty milk-free fudge. . .